Spring Action, Neon, And the Decline of a Real American Hero
The article was about the later years of GI Joe and and the gimmicks that didn't really impress the kids who had been playing with the figures since the start.
Play-Doh armor, spring loaded weapons, neon colors, and tiger striped repaints are all mentioned.
I have now posted the article below.
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Spring Action, Neon, And The Decline Of A Real American Hero
by Derek
GI Joe. We loved him. We played with
him. We grew up with him. He was our childhood hero, but sadly, he
went the way of that other childhood hero, Michael Jackson. Over
commercialization made him less like a friend and more like a
product. Looking back now, we can see the signs of impending doom
stretching way back to 1987, when Joe was on top. Many have wondered
what happened since then. Therefore, I have prepared a timeline to
delineate the long, ignominious fall from grace. Handy ratings are
provided as well, with a rating of 10 being “Joe-riffic!” and a
rating of 1 being one of those green yucky-face stickers that gets
put on toxic substances.
1987 - Battle Force 2000
The Gimmick: Put
guys in Jetsons-style clothing and try to pass it off as the year
2000. If someone gets all the vehicles together, they fit together to
form the “Future Fortress”! Kinda like those Transformers where
all the little robots fit together to make one big little robot.
Which didn’t work because:
No 4 to 11 year-old has enough scratch to buy every one of those
vehicles. Who was this targeted at, Richie Rich?
Rating: 6. Even if
this line of figures was fun, the people behind it set us up for so
many disappointments. Looking back now, I feel cheated because:
- To this day I haven’t seen what that damn fortress thingie looks like.
- Okay, it’s the year 2000 now. Where are my cool Jetsons duds? What do you mean they still don’t issue laser guns to soldiers? No way am I enlisting now!
Besides, they didn’t even last that
long in the GI Joe comic books. Cobra put the smack-down on them
right away and smashed up their vehicles.
1988 - Tiger Force
The Gimmick: The
military steals enemy vehicles and repaints like them like jungle
cats for use in the desert. (“Filthy Americans, bring back my
tank!”) A chance to sell you toys you already have, only now yellow
with stripes.
Which didn’t work because:
A guy named “Frostbite” doesn’t belong in the desert. Period.
That’s just wrong. As if relocating this poor slob wasn’t bad
enough, the toymakers changed his beard color, too. Imagine the
conversation between this guy and his old lady: “Nothing to be
alarmed about, honey. I’m just dying my beard tomato red so I can
go fight in the desert. No, I won’t be needing any new clothes, the
usual fur coat and long johns will do nicely.” I didn’t buy it
for a minute, and I was six.
Possible propaganda message:
“Let’s kick Saddam’s—I mean Cobra’s— sorry ass all over
the desert!”
Rating: 5. Hey, my
uncle steals vehicles and repaints them, too. Does that make him a
“Real American Hero?”
1990 - Sonic Fighters
The Gimmick: More
recolored figures, now in bright neon and with noise-making backpacks
to scare the hell out of Cobra. Damn that Cobra.
Which didn’t work because:
I already had plenty of good sound effects of my own, and didn’t
need The Man at Hasbro telling me to use his. The backpacks were
equipped with generic sounds like “boom” and the old favorite
“rat-a-tat-tat,” but these lacked the creative flare of my own
creations “bpwacschk” and “skceasch”. Later on these
insidious backpacks came with useful soundbites like “attack”.
Truthfully, what kid playing with soldiers can’t say that for
himself? Even worse was the size of these things; the backpacks were
huge. Who would strap a 60-watt amp on their back and go run around a
war zone? I can just see it. Everyone falls over after the first five
minutes, while the enemy stands around pointing and laughing. “Go
ahead and laugh, buddy, but you’ll be in real trouble when the
forklifts get here!”
Rating: 3. Even if
you wanted to take the friggin backpacks off, they were bolted on so
tight it would take a degree in engineering to do it. Even worse was
that this series marked the death of camouflage. From this point on,
neon dominated the GI Joe color schemes. Across the country resounded
cries of “Oh the neon mommy make it stop mommy!”
1991 - Eco Warriors
The Gimmick: Joe
goes green, packing squirt guns instead of automatics.
Which didn’t work because:
The squirt-gun factor severely restricted where you were allowed to
play with these things. Trying to use these inside your house was a
death wish, parental retribution swooping down upon you almost
instantaneously. Besides, who wants to play with a guy named
“Cesspool”?
Possible propaganda message:
“Never mind agent orange and the nuclear arms race. Our military
has the environment’s best interests at heart! Honest!”
Rating: 2. I’m
proud to call myself a tree-hugger, but that doesn’t stop me from
being the first to admit this line of Joes was a terrible, terrible
mistake.
1992 - Drug Elimination Force
The Gimmick: Toymakers
take the phrase “War on Drugs” a too far. Good old-fashioned
Cobra is now represented as villainous scum by a scary mustachioed
drug-lord and his crackhead thugs. A new low is reached with the
inclusion of spring-action neon missile launchers.
Which didn’t work because:
Those missile launchers were larger than the guys who were supposed
to carry them. Aside from that, even, the things were evil. Allow me
to share a childhood trauma: I distinctly remember watching a TV
commercial in which a kid is playing with his spring-action G.I.
Joes. Said juvenile presses the button on one of his missile
launchers and a projectile streaks out to smite the forces of evil,
causing a bad-guy figure over a foot away to be knocked over. The
aforementioned child then makes an exhibition of delight. Let me tell
you, I wasted no time in getting my mitts on one of those
ill-conceived spring weapons. Intending to recreate the televised
experience of spring-action bliss, I carefully aimed it at some
hapless enemy figure and fired away. Nothing happened. Sure, it made
a little start, but the projectile ran out of oomph before going
airborne. Instead it hung lazily partway out of my bright orange
spring-action disappointment. Why didn’t it work? Why couldn’t I
partake of the same joy that televised kid had derived? Oh, the
pre-pubescent angst I experienced in that moment!
Possible propaganda message:
“If you use drugs, you are scum and deserve to be shot.
With a missile launcher.”
Rating: 2. As a
rule, anything you get taught about in elementary school is not
action-figure material. In this case it was drug resistance. Let us
just be thankful we were never subjected to anything like the “Sex-ed
Brigade” or “Personal Hygene Troopers”.
1993 - Mega Marines
The Gimmick: The
bad-guys are giant monsters now, meaning the good-guys need to call
upon the awesome defensive capabilities of Play-Doh battle-armor to
save our fine nation.
Which didn’t work because:
Play-Doh tastes way too salty. Oh yeah, you know what I’m talking
about. I’m not the only person to have stolen a taste in my moment
of weakness. It doesn’t make good armor, either.
Rating: 1. After
“Eco Warriors” and “DEF,” it was hard to believe it could get
any worse. (Ah, naïve youth!) When GI Joe wasn’t fun by himself
anymore, when he needed big monsters and Play-Doh as a crutch—that
was too much. Just thinking about it now makes me want to cry.
And there you have it. For some of us
this stroll down memory lane has been more like a grueling march down
childhood trauma avenue. I know it has been for me, and I apologize.
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